Parents can help children cope with fear after mass shootings

We discussed how to help children deal with trauma from mass shootings with Angela Hamblen Kelly, executive director for Baptist Centers for Good Grief. She is a licensed clinical social worker specifically trained in death and dying.

How mass shootings affect those involved   

“It is life altering,” said Hamblen Kelly. 

“Everything suddenly feels unsafe, unknown and unfamiliar. For those involved, all they hoped and believed about the world becomes a point of question. What they knew once to be true is no longer.”

How gun violence affects children not involved  

There can be big implications, even when the shooting did not happen in a child’s community. 

“Children may wonder, ‘When will this happen at our school?’” said Hamblen Kelly.    

Mass shootings create fear, and that fear has physiological symptoms. When we are afraid, we produce stress hormones. The fear affects our bodies, our brains and our emotions.  

A child’s feelings may be expressed in behaviors or physical symptoms, more than language. “You may notice disruptive sleep, an upset stomach or clingy behavior,” said Hamblen Kelly. “Fearful children may revert to thumb sucking or baby talk or wanting to be with you all the time. That is a fear response.”  

How can parents help children cope with fear  

Children have a natural need for safety. So, at times like this, we need to look for ways to make our children feel safe. 

“Sometimes that means spending more time together," said Hamblen Kelly. "It is having game night; it is going on a walk together; it is being physically close to each other and doing things together to help children remember that there is safety within their family."  

Parents also need to speak with their children. 

“When we do not talk to children about events like mass shootings, it can create another level of fear for them,” said Hamblen Kelly. “They know these things are happening, even if it’s just from a brief mention on TV or from friends.” 

When parents avoid talking about traumatic events with their children at home, it can make them think, “Oh, this is really big and scary. It is so big and scary that we cannot even talk about it within our family.”  

Putting some of that emotion into motion can be helpful as well. Ask your child if there is something you can do together to help. Children might suggest making and sending cards or doing something helpful for a local group.  

What to keep in mind when talking with children   

Be mindful of age-appropriate language and how much information is shared. Consider timing when you go talk with your children. 

“It is not wise to do it right before bedtime as it could prevent restful sleep,” said Hamblen Kelly. “Also avoid interrupting a fun activity.” Approach the topic when you have some time to spend around your kids, but don’t make it a very lengthy conversation.  

“I always encourage adults to also share their feelings with children,” said Hamblen Kelly. “It is important to use ‘I’ statements with children and include a feeling word like ‘sad.’ This helps parents teach children how to express their feelings. You may say something like, ‘I do not understand this. I do not know why this is happening. I feel angry. I feel scared.’”  

It can also be helpful to talk through safety strategies with children. Ask yourselves what things you can do as a family to stay safe. Ask your children what things they can do at school to stay safe.  

When to seek help from a mental health professional 

School is a place that represents safety. So, it’s important to process those feelings of disbelief about what’s happened, either with your support system or even more in-depth with a therapist. 

“I encourage people to start with their own support network, their friends and family,” said Hamblen Kelly. “Traumatic events can be processed together with those in our community.” 

When there is more heightened anxiety, going to see a therapist may be beneficial. It’s important to make sure that anxiety is not growing and becoming debilitating, causing long-term implications, such as not being able to participate in daily life.  

The American Counseling Association has a list of resources for gun violence trauma.  

“What we must remember about our children, and all of us right now, is that we are all overwhelmed,” said Hamblen Kelly. “What I am hearing from a lot of people is that they’re feeling like they have nothing left or they are running on empty, and now there’s one more terrible thing that’s happened.”

“I believe that we must look for those good moments too and to hold onto those,” said Hamblen Kelly. “It is so important that families, in these times, come together more because we want our children to remember that life is good.”  

Angela Hamblen Kelly is the executive director for Baptist Centers for Good Grief. She is a licensed clinical social worker specifically trained in death and dying. Baptist Centers for Good Grief provides a safe, caring environment for grieving children, teens and adults to explore their feelings.