Of course, creating a special nursery for our first baby was in order. With fresh paint and striped wallpaper and a puppy motif, the room looked perfect. The finishing touches were a cherry baby bed and armoire. With all the gifts from our baby shower in place, we were ready to bring Andrew home. Unfortunately, that would never happen. One day during the 32nd week, there was very little movement by Andrew. Then there was no movement at all. Thinking he was just sleeping, we didn’t panic but went to the doctor. After a brief heartbeat check followed by an ultrasound, we were given the bad news. Andrew had died. Never in our lives had we felt so helpless. There was nothing that could be done. In one brief moment, we had lost our dreams and our futures. Nothing would ever be the same again.

Even after checking into the Labor and Delivery unit of the hospital, the reality of what had happened did not set in. We still felt the shock, disbelief and heartbreak. Six hours later, Andrew Thomas was delivered. He was a perfectly formed little boy with Sandy’s nose and a tiny bit of Dave’s red hair. We deeply regret not having spent more time holding and photographing Andrew. He will always be our little boy, but having more pictures would have made him seem more real to our family and friends.

Almost immediately, we were faced with many decisions that most young couples would be unprepared for, such as an autopsy and a memorial service. We chose to have an autopsy performed with the slight hope that a physical reason could be found for Andrew’s death. However, the cause of death remains unknown. We learned that infants can be buried free of charge in the county cemetery, or parents can make other arrangements at private cemeteries. However, in the county cemetery, markers are not allowed, as each grave is marked only by a number. After holding our son, Dave couldn’t bear the thought of burying Andrew in a grave that was only identified by a number. For us, a funeral service and a cemetery marker gave us and the world additional evidence of the existence of Andrew. One decision that we did not have to make was that of a name. We were very grateful that we had decided on a name earlier in the pregnancy so that we did not have that additional burden after the delivery. Also, we knew that Andrew was our first child, and that his name would not be used for any other future children we may have. Even if the rest of the world doesn’t recognize it, we know that Andrew was and is our first child.

The grieving process did not end with Andrew’s memorial service. This was the time for us to face reality and begin accepting what had happened. Our family and friends were a tremendous help and provided comfort and encouragement, beginning at the hospital. Many times they kept us going with cards, hugs, a simple “I’m so sorry”, and by just being there for us. Unfortunately, many people put a time limit of about two weeks on the amount of time they think you should grieve, and then act as if nothing has happened--this couldn’t be further from the truth. Even though you go back to work and try to get into a normal routine at home, nothing is the same as it was before. We were especially thankful for Sandy’s family and our close friends, Blake and Angie, who helped us work through our grief by being open to our needs and allowing us to talk with them about Andrew. Their love and support was especially needed when other well- meaning acquaintances, who were trying to be nice, said and did things that only made our wounds deeper.

We learned very soon after Andrew’s death that we had to be somewhat selfish in order to cope and to work through the grief process. There were many parties and events that we could not bring ourselves to attend. Many times we stayed home because it had been an emotionally bad day. Andrew was expected to be born around Thanksgiving; therefore, the entire holiday season was very difficult for us to enjoy. We couldn’t celebrate as we had planned, since our dreams had been shattered. The sight of other parents with their babies was especially difficult to handle and was a painful reminder of our loss. Even television was not an escape from our grief due to numerous references to babies in advertisements and programs. Being brave and “keeping a stiff upper lip” did not work for us--many times it was better to be alone and let the tears fall.

As the grief process continued, which began with the shock and denial experienced in the doctor’s office, we realized what a roller coaster ride we were encountering. There were numb feelings and a general lack of concentration and interest in normal everyday activities. These were mixed with feelings of guilt, what went wrong?, and why did this happen to us? Through much reading, prayer and soul-searching, we finally came to understand that we had done nothing wrong, and nothing we could have done would have changed the outcome. We both realize that our relationship to Christ was the thing that helped us most in working through our grief.

Even though it is hard to accept, especially at first, we know and believe that God provides us with everything we need and that He loves us and knows what we need more than we do.

It has now been a little over a year since Andrew died and was born into the kingdom of heaven. The swings of emotions and feelings of helplessness do not come as often although the pain is still present and very real. Now it is difficult to see parents with toddlers, especially red-headed little boys. We make regular trips to the cemetery because it is our desire that the memory of Andrew never die. We have compiled a memory box filled with mementos of Andrew’s birth, baby shower, sympathy cards, footprints and especially our thoughts and memories. We have stored away the smocked outfit made for him to wear home from the hospital, and other things intended especially for Andrew. As of this writing we are expecting our second child, to be name Abigail Elizabeth. There is a new toy box being constructed and a new smocked gown being sewn just for Abbie. We are not embarrassed to let others know that she is our second child, and she has a big brother in heaven named Andrew.

Unfortunately, there will always be someone missing in our family, but Abbie will always know, as we do, that because of God’s promises, one day we will be reunited with Andrew in heaven.

Dave and Sandy Morris

Andrew’s little sister, Abigail Elizabeth, was born on January 14, 1994. II Corinthians 12:9

“...my grace is sufficient for thee.”

Philippians 4:19

“...my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.”

Isaiah 55:8-9